Marriages and Why they often Fail

Many of us have been told, "Boys, work hard, get good grades, get a good job and settle down", "Girls, groom yourselves, be lady-like, look beautiful, get good grades, get good jobs and settle down". "Settling down" invariably involves getting married. Some parents have raised their children with the thinking that a major purpose of a female human being is to grow up and get married. I say that such thinking is of itself a disservice to women. I say this because I am aware of the enormous pressure such thinking puts on our girls. I cannot say that I understand the extent to which they have let all other things depend on finding the "right man" neither do I comprehend the ingredients that are supposed to constitute rightness in a man. What I do know is that our girls are under pressure to find that right man and find him now.

I have asked around and most girls I have asked were kind enough to let me in on this secret of rightness of a man. Among the qualities they mentioned were romantic, caring, tall (apparently most girls want a six-footer and there is such shortage of us), rich or whenever that's not possible, at least a man with a stable source of income, god-fearing (for this I have no translation), intelligent, strong,  kind, considerate and so many other qualities.

Going through the list of the qualities that makes a man right, it is no wonder that most of the brothers out there are wrong! I mean, it is life after all; you can't win them all. "You win some, you lose some", even the Devil admitted as much to himself in Devil's Advocate thereby cutting the ground from under his advocate's feet. But seriously, there is a real shortage of the right men out there, at least the statistics say so as divorce rates all over the world continue to go up year after year. I don't want to blame the womenfolk for this because apparently if the man is right, nothing can go wrong, right? And as if that is not bad enough the number of unmarried women above thirty continue to increase. So what can we do?

I have a simple solution. Let us stop telling our girls that it's time to settle down, time waits for no one, you are getting old to be single; and let us stop setting too high a standard for our boys to meet. What's wrong with ordinary? Why must every man be rich first before his is considered right? In my experience if the man is rich enough, chances are that he would cheat on you with the reason he is rich in the first place. Yes, wealth, riches demand the same kind of attention that a woman would demand. Again the devil was right when he said you can't win them all. 

Another fallout of having this multitude of expectations is that most girls end up marrying the wrong boys and for wrong reasons. The boys are not entirely innocent in this case but then they bear a portion of the blame. I mean, what's a guy to do? You love a girl and each time a Rover Sports vehicle drives past, you momentarily go out of existence until the vehicle is out of sight. What's a guy to do? Borrow your rich uncle's evoke for a couple of months until she says "I do", then have yourself "kidnapped" and "robbed" of everything but your underpants. What's a guy to do? She talks about this guy that earns ten digits monthly who she would have married, only she didn't "love" him. Haha! Guys become proactive and very creative. The result? Most marriages are doomed to end even before they started. This is because these marriages are based on non-existent facts and promises.Passing wrong information about the bride or groom can be a reason for Divorce. Many times we come across cases where the groom hides the fact there is another lady-friend sponsoring the wedding. And there is no gain saying that such a lady friend expects to be an ever-present figure in the life of the couple. When such things come to light, the marriage can end in a Divorce.

However, going for a Divorce or not depends upon the kind of relationship the couple has. Some relationships are worth working on, some aren’t. If a marriage cannot be saved, it is better to go for a Divorce than be trapped in a miserable and unhappy marriage.Most marriages fail even before they start. There are several reasons, in my opinion, why marriages fail. I like to define a failed marriage as a marriage in which the parties are no longer happy in the relationship.

"Do you take this Man / Woman to be your Husband / Wife till death due you part?" "I do". That's how it starts. But let us not forget the other clauses. Actually, this is the part I like most:

Giving of the Vows
Do you, (Man), take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, to love and to cherish, to have and to hold; and do you promise, forsaking all others, to cleave to her and her alone, for as long as you both shall live? (Groom says "I do.") Do you, (Woman), take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love and to cherish, to have and to hold; and do you promise, forsaking all others, to cleave to him and to him alone, for as long as you both shall live? (Bride says "I do.")

In my opinion the marriage is as good as over when the man ceases "to love and cherish, to have and to hold.... forsaking all others.... cleave to her and her alone..." and that goes for the woman too. So when these things are no longer present in the marriage, all else is a facade.

Another place I like is:

Giving of the Rings
(To Groom) What token do you give as a symbol of your affection and of your sincerity and fidelity? (Groom produces ring) (To Groom) Repeat after me: This ring I give / as a token / of my affection, sincerity, and fidelity. / Will you wear it / as a symbol / of your own affection, sincerity, and fidelity / toward me? (Bride says "I Will.") etc.

So whenever the rings are no longer tokens of affection, sincerity, and fidelity, you can go ahead and remove it. I promise the pastor won't take offense.

	Why do people get Divorced? 10 common Reasons for Divorce There are many reasons why people get divorced. Some of the major reasons why marriages fail or people get divorced are given below. High Expectations: Many couples enter into marriage with high expectations and when they don’t happen it leads to clashes and then breakup. Divorces often happen because people rarely discuss their expectations in detail prior to marriage and are less willing to work on their marriages afterwards and would like quick solutions rather than having to resolve issues. Believe it or not People have even gotten divorced for reasons like snoring than treating and solving the problem.  Family Pressures: There are several cases where parents have forced or blackmailed their daughter or son to enter into a marriage against their wishes. There are also cases where the parents have forced their daughter or son to break the marriage promising a better life or threatening to harm the partner. Interference of Parents or in-laws too some time ends up in divorce. Marriage for Wrong Reasons: Especially in a society like ours where the wrong things are prioritized and fed to the younger generation through every media possible, it often happens that people go into marriages with such reasons as the wealth of their partner or the name of the family he or she is marrying into. Somewhere in the marriage some of these couples discover that things like affection, physical attraction and love are important and that the ship of social status doesn't sail very far into the sea called marriage. When they make this discovery, the more feeble-minded couples opt out whereas the stronger ones stay and bear out years of unhappiness in a marriage that is long dead and buried. Lack of Commitment: For many couples the marriage vows are just a ceremony and do not follow or keep the commitment made through the vows to the partner. They tend to forget that it takes commitment to nurture any relationship than looking for quick fix solutions and giving up too easily. Lack of Physical Attraction: As years go by its quite natural for the couples to lose interest in maintaining their beauty and health. Such a situation can get the partner to stray thereby resulting in divorce. Further there are men who marry ugly or physically handicapped girls just for the hefty dowry they could bring without giving much importance to their appearance. Once the money is gone their dissatisfaction can cause physical and verbal abuse resulting in the marriage breaking up. Lack of communication: Lack of communication between couples can be a major reason for break up. A marriage is on the rocks when the lines of communication fail. Many expect their partners to guess what they want or what their problem is without communicating. Because of this sometimes even small misunderstandings end up in divorce. Family Background: People who come from divorced homes are more likely to get divorced than people who come from happily married households. Many of such children do not have belief or faith in the institution of marriage and does nothing to salvage the marriage. Divorce seems less like a big deal if you have seen your parents go through with it. Adultery: One of the major reasons of Divorce is the infidelity of the Partner. Even after several years after the death of Princess Diana, the World has not forgotten her tearful admission that Prince Charles affair with Camilla wrecked her marriage. There are many such men and women who wreck their own marriages. Compatibility: Marriage is not just about physical compatibility; the couple should have mental compatibility as well to have a successful marriage. When the couple is not in tune with each others feelings then there is a higher chance that they might end up divorcing. Low Tolerance and Rigidity: Many couples exhibit a very low level of tolerance in marriage and stay rigid in their outlook. When both partners want to get things their own way and not compromise that may lead to a divorce. Many overlook the importance of compromise and flexibility for the successful working of a marriage.
	In spite of all these reasons and all the divorce we hear about, there are still some happily married people out there. I know some and some happy marriages are being established as you read this. What can I say? Some fellas have all the luck, I guess. Speaking of which, congratulations brother. You were not in a hurry because you knew she was out there waiting for you to find her. And she was not in a hurry because she knew you were working hard towards finding her. Now that you are both here, you have nowhere else to go because you'll do anything necessary for her and she'll do anything necessary for you. That's the way it is supposed to be. God praised himself in you and your lovely wife.  Jane & John John making the pledge Jane doing her thing

The Portrait of a Mother

Ezinne Nnennaya Florence Okpo (1954 - 2009)

 Many of you may not have known that our Mom was nick-named “Oku n’agba Ozara” as a kid. That was because she never faltered in the face of adversity. Mommy stared adversity in the face and asked, “Is that the best you’ve got?” She had an un-daunting faith in the victory of good over evil. Her almost white skin, coal-black hair, beautiful brown eyes, and infectious smile made her stand out. Yet it was her inner beauty that radiated with such a glow that she left a mark on everyone she encountered.

She played many roles throughout her life; she was a devoted mother, the most loyal wife, the absolute best Mom ever, a cherished sister, a favorite “auntie,” and a dear friend. The inscription on a book our Daddy bought Mom years ago reads, inter alia, “To Nne, the good wife. We thank God for the gift that is you, because you blend happiness with love, making all of us happy …..” Over the years as our understanding and perception unfolds and deepens, we cannot help seeing … the good wife… blending happiness with love. That was Mommy captured… happiness… love… blended.

Our Mom had an enormous heart filled with love, passion, compassion and empathy.
She had unselfish generosity. She never took the easy way out by giving money or material to solve a problem; she gave her time through blood, sweat and tears to every cause she ever participated in…and there were so many. She was amazingly kind to everyone. She taught us never, ever under any circumstances to be mean to anyone or make-fun of anyone. Moreover, we were taught that if someone was being picked on that we should go over and help stand up for that person. To her, a person in difficulty deserves to be forgiven whatever wrong he/she might have committed, no matter the gravity.

She had unrelentless perseverance and an ability to forge ahead regardless of what hand life dealt her. As a widow raising 6 children, she faced many obstacles ranging from financial constraints to sometimes unforgiving and hostile environment. As far as we know, she never went around an obstacle; she went right over them maintaining her dignity and pride throughout it all.

And finally, my Mom’s devotion to her children was truly extraordinary. We always absolutely, unequivocally came first. She always put our needs ahead of her own. If we needed to pay tuition and she needed to have her hair made, we got the tuition. If she needed new clothes and we needed new clothes, we got ours first, and sometimes she never got hers. In fact she never gave herself the choice of meeting her needs ahead of ours. Our welfare, to her, was non-negotiable.

Growing up in a place like Item in a house with financial constraints had the potential to limit anyone’s progress, but we never knew the difference. Yes we had to put in a few hours of work everyday. But that was the kind of activity we expect to meet in Heaven – joyous activity. We are going to miss those days terribly. We were well cared for and more importantly, well loved. We were told we could do anything with our lives and there were no bounds to our dreams and goals. We were told that we can dare to be different.

Our beautiful Mother, our best friend, was such an incredible woman. She would remind us all to take it one day at a time, and/or say "this too shall pass", whenever we were going through a difficult time in our lives. One of the very few advices she gave was, “Remember that nothing lasts forever”. How could we have known that this applies to her too? No words could ever express the emptiness we feel inside for having to live without her. She was everything to us. Living each day without her has been a struggle and very difficult.

With Mommy, what you saw - was what you got. She lived without pretense and gave of her pure heart completely. She had more "best friends" than we can count, because she made each one of us feel like her best friend. Each of us that were born of her was her best child. As far as we could tell, Mommy never really treated anyone differently from anyone else.

Mummy was utterly unique - a gentle, compassionate, generous, kind mother. God made her to be a mother, pure simple. And she didn’t discriminate. If you came across her way, you get what others get. Each of us knows how blessed we were to share a few moments on this earth with her.

Although what we've lost is tremendous, what she gave us is immeasurable.

To those who knew her, no explanation is necessary... To those who didn't, no explanation is possible...

The dignity and grace by which our Mom sailed through life has left a wake of beauty across the many hearts she touched. She spent her entire life dedicated to God, so we know she is in a wonderful place with him. May she rest in peace yet enjoy every minute of the wonders of eternal life. 

We love you, miss you and wish you were still here.

Healthy Eating Tips

These are a few tips to eat healthy and sustain healthy feeding on the long run. Personally I am working with each and every one of these tips and the results are spectacular

Healthy eating tip 1: Set yourself up for success

To set yourself up for success, think about planning a healthy diet as a number of small, manageable steps rather than one big drastic change. If you approach the changes gradually and with commitment, you will have a healthy diet sooner than you think.

• Simplify. Instead of being overly concerned with counting calories or measuring portion sizes, think of your diet in terms of color, variety, and freshness. This way it should be easier to make healthy choices. Focus on finding foods you love and easy recipes that incorporate a few fresh ingredients. Gradually, your diet will become healthier and more delicious.
• Start slow and make changes to your eating habits over time. Trying to make your diet healthy overnight isn’t realistic or smart. Changing everything at once usually leads to cheating or giving up on your new eating plan. Make small steps, like adding a salad (full of different color vegetables) to your diet once a day or switching from butter to olive oil when cooking.  As your small changes become habit, you can continue to add more healthy choices to your diet.
• Every change you make to improve your diet matters. You don’t have to be perfect and you don’t have to completely eliminate foods you enjoy to have a healthy diet. The long term goal is to feel good, have more energy, and reduce the risk of cancer and disease. Don’t let your missteps derail you—every healthy food choice you make counts.

Healthy eating tip 2: Moderation is key 

• People often think of healthy eating as an all or nothing proposition, but a key foundation for any healthy diet is moderation.  Despite what certain fad diets would have you believe, we all need a balance of carbohydrates, protein, fat, fiber, vitamins, and minerals to sustain a healthy body.
  
• Try not to think of certain foods as “off-limits.” When you ban certain foods or food groups, it is natural to want those foods more, and then feel like a failure if you give in to temptation. If you are drawn towards sweet, salty, or unhealthy foods, start by reducing portion sizes and not eating them as often. Later you may find yourself craving them less or thinking of them as only occasional indulgences.
• Think smaller portions. Serving sizes have ballooned recently, particularly in restaurants. When dining out, choose a starter instead of an entrée, split a dish with a friend, and don’t order supersized anything. At home, use smaller plates, think about serving sizes in realistic terms, and start small.  Visual cues can help with portion sizes—your serving of meat, fish, or chicken should be the size of a deck of cards. A teaspoon of oil or salad dressing is about the size of a matchbook and your slice of bread should be the size of a CD case. 

Healthy eating tip 3: It's not just what you eat, it's how you eat

Healthy eating is about more than the food on your plate—it is also about how you think about food. Healthy eating habits can be learned and it is important to slow down and think about food as nourishment rather than just something to gulp down in between meetings or on the way to pick up the kids.

• Eat with others whenever possible. Eating with other people has numerous social and emotional benefits—particularly for children—and allows you to model healthy eating habits. Eating in front of the TV or computer often leads to mindless overeating.
• Take time to chew your food and enjoy mealtimes. Chew your food slowly, savoring every bite. We tend to rush though our meals, forgetting to actually taste the flavors and feel the textures of our food. Reconnect with the joy of eating.
• Listen to your body. Ask yourself if you are really hungry, or have a glass of water to see if you are thirsty instead of hungry. During a meal, stop eating before you feel full. It actually takes a few minutes for your brain to tell your body that it has had enough food, so eat slowly.
• Eat breakfast, and eat smaller meals throughout the day. A healthy breakfast can jumpstart your metabolism, and eating small, healthy meals throughout the day (rather than the standard three large meals) keeps your energy up and your metabolism going. 

Healthy eating tip 4: Fill up on colorful fruits and vegetables 

Fruits and vegetables are the foundation of a healthy diet. They are low in calories and nutrient dense, which means they are packed with vitamins, minerals, antioxidants, and fiber.
Try to eat a rainbow of fruits and vegetables every day and with every meal—the brighter the better. Colorful, deeply colored fruits and vegetables contain higher concentrations of vitamins, minerals, and antioxidants—and different colors provide different benefits, so eat a variety. Aim for a minimum of five portions each day.
Some great choices include:

• Greens. Branch out beyond bright and dark green lettuce. Kale, mustard greens, broccoli, and Chinese cabbage are just a few of the options—all packed with calcium, magnesium, iron, potassium, zinc, and vitamins A, C, E, and K.
• Sweet vegetables. Naturally sweet vegetables—such as corn, carrots, beets, sweet potatoes, yams, onions, and squash—add healthy sweetness to your meals and reduce your cravings for other sweets.
• Fruit. Fruit is a tasty, satisfying way to fill up on fiber, vitamins, and antioxidants. Berries are cancer-fighting, apples provide fiber, oranges and mangos offer vitamin C, and so on.

The importance of getting vitamins from food—not pills

The antioxidants and other nutrients in fruits and vegetables help protect against certain types of cancer and other diseases. And while advertisements abound for supplements promising to deliver the nutritional benefits of fruits and vegetables in pill or powder form, research suggests that it’s just not the same.
A daily regimen of nutritional supplements is not going to have the same impact of eating right. That’s because the benefits of fruits and vegetables don’t come from a single vitamin or an isolated antioxidant.
The health benefits of fruits and vegetables come from numerous vitamins, minerals, and phytochemicals working together synergistically. They can’t be broken down into the sum of their parts or replicated in pill form.

Healthy eating tip 5: Eat more healthy carbs and whole grains

Choose healthy carbohydrates and fiber sources, especially whole grains, for long lasting energy. In addition to being delicious and satisfying, whole grains are rich in phytochemicals and antioxidants, which help to protect against coronary heart disease, certain cancers, and diabetes. Studies have shown people who eat more whole grains tend to have a healthier heart.

A quick definition of healthy carbs and unhealthy carbs

Healthy carbs (sometimes known as good carbs) include whole grains, beans, fruits, and vegetables. Healthy carbs are digested slowly, helping you feel full longer and keeping blood sugar and insulin levels stable.
Unhealthy carbs (or bad carbs) are foods such as white flour, refined sugar, and white rice that have been stripped of all bran, fiber, and nutrients. Unhealthy carbs digest quickly and cause spikes in blood sugar levels and energy.

Tips for eating more healthy carbs

• Include a variety of whole grains in your healthy diet, including whole wheat, brown rice, millet, quinoa, and barley. Experiment with different grains to find your favorites.
• Make sure you're really getting whole grains. Be aware that the words stone-ground, multi-grain, 100% wheat, or bran can be deceptive. Look for the words “whole grain” or “100% whole wheat” at the beginning of the ingredient list. In the U.S., Canada, and some other countries, check for the Whole Grain Stamps that distinguish between partial whole grain and 100% whole grain.
• Try mixing grains as a first step to switching to whole grains. If whole grains like brown rice and whole wheat pasta don’t sound good at first, start by mixing what you normally use with the whole grains. You can gradually increase the whole grain to 100%.

Avoid: Refined foods such as breads, pastas, and breakfast cereals that are not whole grain.

Healthy eating tip 6: Enjoy healthy fats & avoid unhealthy fats

Good sources of healthy fat are needed to nourish your brain, heart, and cells, as well as your hair, skin, and nails.  Foods rich in certain omega-3 fats called EPA and DHA are particularly important and can reduce cardiovascular disease, improve your mood, and help prevent dementia.

Add to your healthy diet:

• Monounsaturated fats, from plant oils like canola oil, peanut oil, and olive oil, as well as avocados, nuts (like almonds, hazelnuts, and pecans), and seeds (such as pumpkin, sesame).
• Polyunsaturated fats, including Omega-3 and Omega-6 fatty acids, found in fatty fish such as salmon, herring, mackerel, anchovies, sardines, and some cold water fish oil supplements. Other sources of polyunsaturated fats are unheated sunflower, corn, soybean, flaxseed oils, and walnuts.

Reduce or eliminate from your diet:

• Saturated fats, found primarily in animal sources including red meat and whole milk dairy products.
• Trans fats, found in vegetable shortenings, some margarines, crackers, candies, cookies, snack foods, fried foods, baked goods, and other processed foods made with partially hydrogenated vegetable oils.

Healthy eating tip 7: Put protein in perspective

Protein gives us the energy to get up and go—and keep going. Protein in food is broken down into the 20 amino acids that are the body’s basic building blocks for growth and energy, and essential for maintaining cells, tissues, and organs. A lack of protein in our diet can slow growth, reduce muscle mass, lower immunity, and weaken the heart and respiratory system. Protein is particularly important for children, whose bodies are growing and changing daily.

Here are some guidelines for including protein in your healthy diet:

Try different types of protein. Whether or not you are a vegetarian, trying different protein sources—such as beans, nuts, seeds, peas, tofu, and soy products—will open up new options for healthy mealtimes.

• Beans:  Black beans, navy beans, garbanzos, and lentils are good options.
• Nuts: Almonds, walnuts, pistachios, and pecans are great choices.
• Soy products: Try tofu, soy milk, tempeh, and veggie burgers for a change.
• Avoid salted or sugary nuts and refried beans.

Downsize your portions of protein. Many people in the West eat too much protein. Try to move away from protein being the center of your meal. Focus on equal servings of protein, whole grains, and vegetables.
Focus on quality sources of protein, like fresh fish, chicken or turkey, tofu, eggs, beans, or nuts. When you are having meat, chicken, or turkey, buy meat that is free of hormones and antibiotics.

Healthy eating tip 8: Add calcium for strong bones

Calcium is one of the key nutrients that your body needs in order to stay strong and healthy. It is an essential building block for lifelong bone health in both men and women, as well as many other important functions.
You and your bones will benefit from eating plenty of calcium-rich foods, limiting foods that deplete your body’s calcium stores, and getting your daily dose of magnesium and vitamins D and K—nutrients that help calcium do its job.
Recommended calcium levels are 1000 mg per day, 1200 mg if you are over 50 years old. Take a vitamin D and calcium supplement if you don’t get enough of these nutrients from your diet.

Good sources of calcium include:

• Dairy: Dairy products are rich in calcium in a form that is easily digested and absorbed by the body. Sources include milk, yogurt, and cheese.
• Vegetables and greens: Many vegetables, especially leafy green ones, are rich sources of calcium. Try turnip greens, mustard greens, collard greens, kale, romaine lettuce, celery, broccoli, fennel, cabbage, summer squash, green beans, Brussels sprouts, asparagus, and crimini mushrooms.
• Beans: For another rich source of calcium, try black beans, pinto beans, kidney beans, white beans, black-eyed peas, or baked beans.

Healthy eating tip 9: Limit sugar and salt

If you succeed in planning your diet around fiber-rich fruits, vegetables, whole grains, lean protein, and good fats, you may find yourself naturally cutting back on foods that can get in the way of your healthy diet—sugar and salt.

Sugar

Sugar causes energy ups and downs and can add to health and weight problems. Unfortunately, reducing the amount of candy, cakes, and desserts we eat is only part of the solution. Often you may not even be aware of the amount of sugar you’re consuming each day. Large amounts of added sugar can be hidden in foods such as bread, canned soups and vegetables, pasta sauce, margarine, instant mashed potatoes, frozen dinners, fast food, soy sauce, and ketchup. Here are some tips:

• Avoid sugary drinks. One 12-oz soda has about 10 teaspoons of sugar in it, more than the daily recommended limit! Try sparkling water with lemon or a splash of fruit juice.
• Eat naturally sweet food such as fruit, peppers, or natural peanut butter to satisfy your sweet tooth.

How sugar is hidden on food labels

Check food labels carefully. Sugar is often disguised using terms such as:

cane sugar or maple syrup corn sweetener or corn syrup honey or molasses brown rice syrup

crystallized or evaporated cane juice fruit juice concentrates, such as apple or pear maltodextrin (or dextrin) Dextrose, Fructose, Glucose, Maltose, or Sucrose

Salt

Most of us consume too much salt in our diets. Eating too much salt can cause high blood pressure and lead to other health problems. Try to limit sodium intake to 1,500 to 2,300 mg per day, the equivalent of one teaspoon of salt.

• Avoid processed or pre-packaged foods. Processed foods like canned soups or frozen dinners contain hidden sodium that quickly surpasses the recommended limit.
• Be careful when eating out. Most restaurant and fast food meals are loaded with sodium.
• Opt for fresh or frozen vegetables instead of canned vegetables.
• Cut back on salty snacks such as potato chips, nuts, and pretzels.
• Choose low-salt or reduced-sodium products.
• Try slowly reducing the salt in your diet to give your taste buds time to adjust. 

 Authors: Maya W. Paul, Melinda Smith, M.A. and Jeanne Segal Ph. D. Last updated: April 2012.